


If I Could Just Let Go

by SingManyFaces



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Anakin Skywalker, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Light Angst, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 14:49:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20743973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SingManyFaces/pseuds/SingManyFaces
Summary: The galaxy is sliding back toward war, and Ahsoka has a heavy heart.  So she takes some time for herself and goes to some extra lengths to find companionship with an old friend.  Set about 15 years before Force Awakens.





	If I Could Just Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> A while ago I read a wiki article that said gimmer bark could deepen someone’s connection to the Force while meditating—I can’t find the article anymore, but it was the core of the inspiration for this fic. The title comes from the lyrics to “Heavy” by Linkin Park.

The world was changing again. For a time Ahsoka had let herself believe that they had truly won, beaten back the dark for good. But just as the remaining rebels had a new name now, so did the dregs of those they were fighting. Small skirmishes were growing larger, more frequent; to anyone paying attention it seemed like the galaxy was sliding inescapably back into all-out war. Ahsoka had been fighting since she was fourteen—she was always paying attention.

And that vigilance was, more and more, taking a toll on her.

So she had gathered some supplies and taken her ship to the Outer Rim, to a planet she had learned about over the years, to take some time for herself. Not as long as some other Force-users had, she promised herself, just…enough. Already knowing which caves to avoid, she chose one of the safe ones for her shelter and began her preparations. She had made the space as close to cozy as possible—and befriended at least one snake—before stretching out her protesting muscles, and settling in to meditate. 

Ahsoka’s knees cracked loudly in the quiet of the cave as she sank down onto her thick cushion, nudging her staff a little further away as she retrieved a small pouch from her belt. The gimmer bark inside had a sharp, bitter taste when she chewed a strip of it; she’d been told grinding it and mixing it into tea would make it more palatable, but she hadn’t wanted it for its flavor. No, she was far more interested in keeping it potent.

Swallowing thickly twice, she gave in and reached for her canteen, clearing most of the unpleasant taste from her mouth before setting it down again. She took one deep breath to calm her thoughts, then another as she closed her eyes. Outside rain had begun falling steadily, creating a soothing melody. It was easy to lose herself in it, the gentle patter of the droplets blending with the in-and-out of her breathing, and she felt her mind open to the flow of the Force around her, let it take her intention. 

“You could’ve called the usual way if you wanted to talk,” a familiar voice told her, after a time, “I always come when you do, don’t I?” 

Her eyes blinking open, she looked up at the spectral figure as she shifted into a more relaxed position, offered him a small smile. “Maybe I wanted to do more than talk.” Her gaze stayed on Anakin’s ghost as he seated himself next to her; he snickered as he flicked at her pouch of gimmer bark. “Maybe I’d like to try feeling more than just a whisper of you.”

Over the years she’d gotten used to the sight of his hand—the appearance of flesh where she’d only known metal during his life—but she hadn’t truly been able to feel it. She found herself holding her breath as he reached out to touch her face. “Did it work?”

He wasn’t quite as warm as he should have been, but she sucked in a gasp that was nearly a sob at the feel of him, cradled his hand to her cheek. “Yes.”

“My impossible padawan…” he murmured as he draped his arm around her, the pride clear in his voice, “still full of surprises.”

She let out a laugh as she laid her head on his shoulder, her eyes pressing closed. It was a relief already to have him with her, someone who had known her from the beginning. She was running short on people who could say that. For long moments they sat in silence, soaking each other in. Then, giving a playful tug to the hem of her hood Anakin told her, “No matter how many times I see it, I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to all this white…”

“You’re one to talk,” Ahsoka snorted, tapping at the collar of his tunic. 

He ducked his head, nodding to concede the point, as his hand slipped within the hood. His fingers followed the angle of her cheekbone and trailed further up; there was a soft, pleased sound in the back of his throat as he encountered the familiar edges of akul teeth. “I missed these,” he murmured, and then a flash of thought came to her. An image of herself, younger, grinning fiercely in the midst of battle, the teeth of her headdress glinting in the green glow of her sabers. “Sorry,” his voice was still soft, though he didn’t sound particularly apologetic, “didn’t mean to project that.” 

Idly she wondered if he could feel the slight flush to her skin. “I don’t mind.” 

His touch traveled the pointed edges of the headdress, moving along the base of her montrals. “I always wondered why you’d stopped wearing them.”

“They just didn’t fit anymore.” She could have laughed, then, sensing his misunderstanding. Quickly explaining, “For a long time I didn’t have the supplies to adjust the size.” Ahsoka shrugged, leaning into his gentle exploration. “Then, for a while, I had the supplies but no time to use them.”

He hummed, trailing the curve of one montral to its tip, “Well, I’m glad you found some.” With a sigh he shook his head. “For so long, it can feel like time’s standing still,” his hand flowed down to close gently around her lek, “but then you look up.” Making her shiver, he followed the length of it with one long stroke, smoothing his thumb over the end where it rested in her lap. They were so much longer now than the last time he’d been able to touch her, even just since the last time he’d spoken with her.

“It never does stop marching,” she agreed quietly. 

“You said it,” he huffed, “One minute you’re watching a boy hold his first kyber crystal, the next—”

But then he stopped, sorrow rippling so deeply through the Force it made her breath catch before he locked it away again. Lifting her head from his shoulder, she searched his eyes. “Something’s happened, hasn’t it?”

Anakin ducked his head, the barest nod. Answering her unspoken question, “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

She nearly replied _‘What else is new?’_ but squelched it down.

And maybe he could feel her thoughts then, as she had his, because he pressed his fingers briefly to her lips. “I’m here for _you_, Ahsoka.” He caught her gaze again and held it, murmured, “What is it _you_ need?”

“I—” Her throat tightened against the words as answers suddenly clamored in her mind, vying to be spoken first. She needed her friends to be safe, and to stop losing them. She needed the peace that she’d fought so hard for—over and over—to be more permanent. She needed to be able to take a breath, to stop needing to be strong for everyone that looked to her for guidance; she needed to be able to _rest._ Ahsoka hid none of it from him and, as she looked up at him with wide, pained eyes, the years seemed to fall away. “I’m so tired, Master.”

While his body may not have been as warm as it had been in life, it was solid enough for him to pull her fully to him, sit her in his lap as he folded her into his arms. “I know,” he told her, heartfelt, as he took down her hood to kiss her forehead, “I know.” Gently he drew the cloak from her shoulders to let it pool around them before slipping a hand under her lek to cradle her jaw. “Let me help you find some rest, Ahsoka.” 

Her eyes pressed closed as she nodded, his thumb catching an escaping tear as she leaned in to seal her mouth to his.

Kissing him now was different than the fantasies she’d had as a Padawan, different even than the one night on Mandalore that their timing had actually been right, but she wasn’t complaining and she wasn’t going to let it stop her. Not when he was solid enough to touch again. Not while he was holding her, moving against her. She broke from him only when she started to feel light headed; she’d let herself get swept away. Laying her palms against his chest, she smoothed her fingers down the collar of his outer robe. “How are we going to work with these?”

He gave her a small smile before he passed his hand over her eyes to close them again, “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”

Ahsoka felt him press a kiss to the corner of her mouth, then felt the laces and clasps of her clothing start to come open and some of her layers peeling away; beneath her hands, it suddenly felt like skin she was touching rather than fabric. She pulled her sweater over her head, opening her eyes again as she cast it away, snorting when she found her companion naked. “Cheater.”

Drawing her lek back over her shoulder for her, he winked, “You only say that because you’re behind now.” His hand followed the drape of her lek down again to tug playfully at the waist of her pants. “Let me help?”

Nodding, she leaned back on her hands as she lifted herself from his lap; his hands hooked into her waistband and drew it down, giving a low whistle as, one at a time, she drew her legs back before raising them high to free herself of the garment. “Always so flexible, Snips.”

“Takes a lot more work to keep myself that way these days,” she laughed softly, straddling his lap.

“You wouldn’t know it, the way you move through the forms.” He laughed at the undisguised surprise on her face. “What do you think we spend all our time doing?” He asked matter-of-factly, thumbs stroking the markings just above her hip bones, “Looking after the people we miss.”

Briefly she wondered how frequently she’d had an audience without realizing it, then forcibly turned her thoughts away. Arching a brow, “I’d have thought you and Obi-Wan would’ve spent your time with each other.”

If she didn’t know better she’d say he blushed. “Well, there’s plenty of that, too.” He folded his arms around her again, stroked soothingly down her rear lek. “You feel nervous, uneasy,” he observed quietly, “About this, I mean.”

“I’m pretty sure we’re in new territory here, with ‘this.’” A small, embarrassed smile turned her lips. “I guess I’m just afraid that...” She hesitated, as if unwilling to put the thought into the air.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assured her as he feathered kisses over her stripes. “Relax,” he murmured, lips pressing to the wing of white across her cheekbone, “Stay in the moment with me.”

Ahsoka wasn’t sure if she’d ever get used to the calmness her old Master seemed so comfortable in now but, just the same, she attempted to release her anxiety in a long sigh; it worked better than she’d expected. But maybe that was him, his touch quieting her mind the way a good hour of meditation did—when she actually found the time for it, anymore. She laid her hand almost delicately on the center of his chest, pressed with just her fingertips until he was laid out on his back, looking up at her. “Comfortable?”

His smile came so easily now. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

It was a habit she’d never really managed to shake. Nodding, with a rueful little smile, she resolved, “No more worrying.” Despite her niggling concern, he still felt solid beneath her as her hand skimmed down to wrap around his cock; she watched his lips part in a soft gasp, and her smile grew. “Staying in the moment,” her breath shuddered out of her as she sank down onto him, her head falling back, “with you.”

Their bodies rocked languidly together as his touch glided up her smooth thighs. His hands fluttered between her hips, her breasts, eager to relearn her curves. She didn’t want to look away from him but the sounds of the still-falling rain outside, their rasping breath, the slick slide of flesh against flesh all echoed through her montrals, and she closed her eyes to let herself get lost in the sweet vibrations of it all as she rode him; Anakin’s hands settled on her hips, helping to steady her as their joining grew more desperate. Ahsoka bowed toward him, her lekku a warm weight pooling on his chest as she sought his lips. He surged up to meet her, one arm wrapping her back to hold her tightly as he cradled her jaw. Now, as their lips met, light glowed to life behind her closed eyes, swirling into circles and branching into ever connecting patterns—like she was touching the Force more deeply than she ever had before. Later, when she could think clearly again, she would suppose that she sort of was.

_Let go_, she felt as well as heard, flowing through the bond that had never really gone away as her hips began to stutter, _Let it all go._

Anakin swallowed her moaning as everything else fell away and the pleasure took her. While she was still shaking he wrapped himself around her, held her close as he laid back on the cushion again. When she came back to herself she realized she was still half on top of him, one of her legs hooked through his; one of his hands was a comforting weight against the nape of her neck, the other stroked down her rear lek.

She opened her mouth to say something but only yawned, tried to hide it in his chest as he laughed. “Ahsoka...” He tilted her chin up, and she rearranged her arms to perch it atop them. “You’ve had a long day,” he murmured sympathetically, a crooked little smile tilting his lips.

_A long life._ She wasn’t sure which one of them thought it.

“And yet,” Ahsoka returned quietly, absently tracing his collarbone, “I don’t want to go to sleep yet.”

“But you’ve more than earned it,” he argued lightly, running his fingers between two of her lekku to make her shiver. “The galaxy is lucky to have you but it can wait for a little while, while you get some rest.”

“It’s not the galaxy I’m worried about.” She rolled her eyes at herself, “For once. Where did my pouch get to?” Ahsoka gave a quick glance around the space and fairly easily located the pouch along with her canteen, calling both to her and provoking more laughter from Anakin. Fishing out another piece of gimmer bark she popped it into her mouth, instantly wrinkling her nose at the taste as she began to chew it.

Anakin gently poked her nose while it was still scrunched up. “What have I been telling you?” He asked as she swallowed roughly, taking a long pull from her canteen immediately after. “You’ve got nothing to worry about—as long as you’re here?” Winking at her again, his soft voice went fond, “You’re stuck with me, Snips.”

A surprised laugh fluttered out of her as he draped her cloak over them like a blanket, and she carefully tucked her head into the curve of his neck. “Good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on tumblr @singmanyfaces if you want to drop by. :D


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